Why are soulmate relationships so painful?

Why are soulmate relationships so painful?

by Lindsay on February 20, 2013

in Miscellaneous

Screen shot 2013-01-29 at 8.05.08 PMThink of your “one who got away” for a moment. The one person you love, even after all these years. Even if they don’t ‘deserve’ that love or never really earned it.

Think about the one who hurt you the most, who left you feeling like your heart had been stomped on, spit on and then rolled over by a dozen Mack Trucks. Who left you for dead (or might as well have), but taught you so much about yourself in the process.

Think about the person who swept into your world like a whirlwind, rocking the core of your being, changing what you knew about yourself and the life you lived. The one who left as quickly as she came but left an indelible mark on your heart, life and the way you love. 

Many people think that soul mate means the one you are predestined to be with forever; that a soul mate is your perfect fit. Many of us live to meet that person – the one who will fit like a glove. My definition of soul mate is not nearly as romantic.  I think of a soul mate as a person who you do “soul work” with — someone who opens your eyes and life to new things, introduces you to a new side of you.

A true soul mate is a person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings your “crap” to your attention so you can change and grow for the better. Soul work involves tackling issues, questions, problems and everything else head-on. A soul mate will open up your heart and mind until you can’t ignore the elephant in the room or brush certain things about yourself under the rug anymore.

A soul mate tears down your barriers and awakens you on some level, revealing another layer of you.

A soul mate doesn’t necessary = a lifelong love. Certainly a soul mate can be a life-long lover and partner. But not always. Sometimes our soul mate relationships are the most painful we’ll ever experience.

It’s important to see that whatever pain a soul mate causes you, it is done to help you with the growth of your soul.  It’s to open your eyes to realizing that this person is just a reflection back to you of what is inside yourself.

So why are soul mate relationships painful and not the bed of roses that Hollywood paints them out to be? 

Because our soul mates are fellow souls who contracted to spend time with us in this lifetime. These relationships are purposely established to stimulate growth. Soul mate contracts are carefully chosen before we are born, just as parental contracts (another form of a soul contract) are determined as we select the genetic pool and family environment which best support our soul’s development in a particular lifetime. In a nutshell: soul mate contracts are designed to assist us in experiencing lessons that are difficult. 

Shared past lives & the magnetic attraction

No doubt about it: you picked relationships with certain souls to grow with, souls you have a strong karmic connection to.  In fact, it is very likely that you and your soul mate(s) in this lifetime have issues left to resolve from prior lifetimes together.  A soul mate is perfectly designed to push your buttons so he or she can boost you into new realms of self awareness. Soul mate relationships are characterized by passion because, otherwise, most of us would never have the fortitude to remain with these mates since the interaction is usually fraught with conflict.

You feel that incredible attraction to your soul mates because if it wasn’t there, you’d walk away. It wouldn’t be worth it. That attraction keeps you there, growing and learning together.

Meeting your soul mate

Robert Ohotto says soul mates are both pre-destined and come into our lives based on our own decisions and actions. He says,

There are some people you can’t help BUT meet – there is no vision board that’s gonna get them there, they are on their way. Some relationships are fated that way. Part of a Divine design and all you’ve gotta do is show up to life and you’ll meet them.

Instead of focusing on meeting “the one” and then obsessing over that relationship, you can relax in knowing that you will always meet the right person at the right time. And your soul/Higher Self already knows it.

What are your thoughts on soul mates? Is the Hollywood romantic version true, or are our soul mates karmic soul ‘friends’ we are meant to learn from, teach and grow with? 

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Julie Barrett February 20, 2013 at 7:38 pm

This is SO funny. I just posted on soul groups and contracts, and referenced on fb back to your Are Soulmates Pre-Destined or Chosen post as oddly synchronistic, when THIS post showed up a few minutes later!

You know what I think…some of them are coming right around the next corner, and apt to smack right into you. I have to say your characterization of what the difficult relationships looks like is on the nose, in my experience.

Karly February 22, 2013 at 12:07 pm

I love this article, because it’s totally true, even though some people don’t want to believe it. So many people think soul mates are “The One”, that you look into each other’s eyes, and spend the rest of your lives together in a *perfect* relationship. Wrong! In my heart, I do believe I will spend the rest of my life together with the soul mate I am with right now- but that is the result of a very turbulent past with him and a load of hard work (you know the story, Linds!). We love each other with everything we have, but we have classic signs of a soul mate relationship. We learn so much about ourselves through the other person… a lot of the times it comes through fighting. Not in an unhealthy way, but usually one of us doesn’t want to acknowledge something about ourselves even though it’s staring at us! We play such a large role in helping the other to become a better person. People sometimes say we bicker a lot, but it really is the most fulfilling relationship either of us has ever been in.

I always love your articles on soul mates… they help me make sense of the craziness! 🙂

Jennifer Flint ~ The Aura Reader February 22, 2013 at 7:21 pm

Oh dear. I agree that there are lots of different kinds of soulmates. I have to say that I haven’t had many turbulent relationships, though, because as soon as they get turbulent I get out of them. That just always seemed sensible to me, since there are plenty of fish in the sea, and I suppose the goal of dating is to find someone pleasant and reasonably compatible, although of course no relationship is perfect.

I hope I didn’t miss out on too many karmic lessons that way, but I just can’t handle much drama, especially boy drama. 🙂

I also find that paying attention to personality type is a big help in finding a soulmate – certain types just get along better, even when they’re not really all that alike. They balance and complement each other.

Anne McCarroll February 23, 2013 at 6:57 pm

Soul mates get the best title and the craziest ‘job’. And, of course, the more I think on our purpose here – to grow, accommodate, fight for our identity and soul-I wonder why so many folks still want a soul mate to be “perfect” (translation: vanilla). We would all rather have a bit of turmoil than blissful ‘meh’ – or, well, I would. 😉 I like a bumpy road sometimes – I know that means I’m thinking with my heart, you know?
You’ve got a small soulmate there now, don’t you? Hugs to you and Evelyn – who shares her name with my little girl, btw. Yay! 🙂

Lindsay February 26, 2013 at 9:12 am

Oh my gosh really?! I can’t believe you have an Evelyn, too! We have the same taste in names (awesome taste, lol).

I am with you re: the bumpy road sometimes. It can’t ALL be bliss & butterflies, can it? We don’t learn much when it is.

Lori February 24, 2013 at 10:03 pm

My soulmate died almost 2 years ago.

It feels unreal to say that, somedays it feels like he left just 2 days ago.

When he died, I went on a massive undertaking & searching what happened to him in the afterlife. What happened to his “soul”…?

Where exactly did he go, kind of questions…

and in that search, I found YOU;-)

(Best day EVER, if I may add that;) haha, suck up! Right? Lol!

Since that time, I think I have probably read most of your website

(*coughcoughStalkercough*) lol….but you helped open my eyes more in the past 6-12 months than in the 42 years I’ve been on earth!

In this eye opening experience, I have been extremely ‘open’ as well.

All of the sudden, interesting things have happened…I can see Auras, although I have NO idea what the colors really mean, lol!

And I get quick snapshots of pictures in my head, when talking to someone. Am I sounding REALLY weird right about now?

I will book a session with you sometime this year & can’t wait to

see what you blog about next!!



Lindsay February 26, 2013 at 10:31 am

Hi Lori!

Thanks so much for your sweet comment – made my day! Feel free to get in touch any time to book a reading or just to say ‘hi’. 🙂

VN May 7, 2013 at 6:14 am

I’ve never really believed in this whole concept of soulmates until recently I met this person on plane seated next to me. We are from different continents all together. He was coming to my country on some professional visit and I was coming back after attending a meeting. Our conversation started by simple introductions about our reason for being on that plane. We did not really converse much but I could feel something…. I can’t even explain…
At one point, there was some turbulence and he put his hands on my arms to comfort me and then I could feel that he didn’t want to take his hands off my arms. There was such a strong feeling of belongingness. If he weren’t a stranger, I would have held his hands and leaned on his shoulders. By the time the plane landed, I was soooo scared of the disturbing emotions in me that without looking back and without even saying a thank you, I just ran. I could feel him following me and trying to keep pace with me. When he went ahead of me, he looked back to see that I am far behind and waited till I was by his side. While I was waiting to collect my luggage, he came and helped me to put my luggage on the trolly and then we left. That was the last I saw of him.
After reaching home, my soul was at unease. I really tried to get him off my mind as I am a married person but his thoughts would haunt me. I hadn’t even asked his name to search for him on internet or any social networking sights. From whatever little we conversed, I tried to search for him. I happened to open a website and something so strong inside me said that he is here. I contacted on the address given on that site and told them that I had met this person on plane from this country and I need to thank him.
Surprisingly they said that the person is there and they forwarded my mail to him. He contacted me back saying that he was pleased and surprised that I contacted him. He said he wanted to meet me.
I replied back saying that meeting would not be a good option as I am a married person and presumed him to be committed as well. He did not respond back. I send another mail saying I’m sorry if I offended him in anyway but still no response. But I’m glad that today I know his name and I know that he is there somewhere.
And today after a month, though I am happy with my life but his thoughts haunt me at times. I go to his profile on a social networking site and feel contended that he’s there somewhere…
A question still remains that why did I meet him? Why a committed person like me got attached to a stranger? Why did he not want to maintain any contact after knowing that I am married? I don’t understand the purpose of this incidence in my life.

VN May 7, 2013 at 7:07 am

PS: I loved reading your article “Why are soulmate relationships so painful?”. I hope you’ll take time to read my comment (sorry it’s a long one) and respond. Will be looking forward to your response.

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Danieli Debiasi da Cunha May 30, 2014 at 8:53 pm

Wow! Thank you for posting this. In some level it brought peace to my heart. I know I’ve met my soulmate, although I believe now that we were not supposed to be together in a romantic way (eventhough there was sexual attraction). When I first met him I was in Canada (I’m Brazilian) to study English for two months in Toronto – the idea of going to Canada was a friend’s of mine; she invited me and I thought “why not?” – we were with a group of new students at a lecture about the Canadian culture and costumes when I saw him. I can’t describe it better than saying that it was as if I knew him and there was only him in the room. This lasted seconds, but it was as if I was staring at him for hours. The next day, we were assigned to our classes duo to the knowledge of the language and I got to go to the Business Class. When I got there I knew I was meant to be there, because I saw him, and the same feeling flooded me again.

We didn’t have any romantic involvement, but as you said in your article, I got to question myself from that day on; I always considered myself as realistic, and as a realistic person, I didn’t believe in soulmates, twin flames and it was as if my entire world was upside down… In the end of those two months I was exactly as you describe the painful relationship between soulmates in your introduction. Thank you for writing this. 🙂

judy June 15, 2014 at 8:38 pm

wow yes my man and I both agree that soul mates dont have this bliss relationship, when we first met , he knew there was something about me that stirred his insides and took him to a higher level of mind body , he said remember exactly what I wore when we first met, he said I had these awful pants on and my hair tied back …(well he didnt hold back lolhe called it for what it was) and he hasnt changed today,,,hes still blunt and raw and honest to the point…eww that hurts…lol but I love him yes that amazes me too, my love for him overweighs anything hurtful or to me negative but thats it its not negative its the raw truth and that why it hurts cos its truth……oh hes loving too, he always says ” Baby theres a time for everything and , we have to get down to business worry bout the lovey dovey stuff later…..hes always on point, Id say him being in the marines helps alot……but yes I agree soul mates are here to help us….good bad the ugly whatever comes…we have to work together in this…He tells me I lack what he has and he lacks what I have so we cmpliment each other,…wow

judy June 15, 2014 at 8:49 pm

to continue ….our relationship as soul mates and spiritual companions didnt stem over a short period we both had to grow together in this..oh theres being a lot of conflicts to get to this point, he had his views, and I had mine when we first met. and hes was based from the Bible, mine was based from unhappy relationships( 2x) and upbringing, he turned to God in 1996-97 and learn and studied Gods word so he tries to live by it….A man is the head of the home, he is head of the woman and Jesus is the head of the man and God is the head of Jesus in that order. I have faught him tooth and nail to hold my beliefs , and every turn my beliefs have being shattered with the truth…

judy June 15, 2014 at 9:00 pm

continue so yes its being a incredible journey with my mate, we already know we have flaws and we are willing to go it through together to better ourselves as people as man and woman as loyal friends and we still have our conflicts or discussions as we put it…lol ( sometimes my ego raises up) but we know we cannot live without each other….He said to me one day Baby its not like I can live with you, its this I cannot live with out you…. he wrote a peom before he met me and he said he couldnt finish it its called “stranger I know” when he met me he said he was able to complete it…wow too…

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Thank you for this article August 31, 2014 at 9:25 pm

My sole mate she is strong brilliant and kind she is beautiful in everything and nothing she has been in my life just a short year she has seen me broken unbreakable happy a winner and even a looser a protector and even in need of some protection she has seen me cry and also high strung trusting and jelouse but yet she is still my best friend knowing me better then even my own mother I know her perfect body better then even my own mind I find her fascinating like the day we first met wise and passionate and understanding or I would not still have this amazing women in my life I want to take a moment to let the world know how lucky I am

Katja December 1, 2014 at 9:02 am

I need advice. I met someone I felt an immediate draw to. I couldn’t stop staring at him and I never do that. We talked and we found out we had the same childhood trauma, often mirroring each other’s experiences. Then I started to get flashbacks and nightmares from my childhood. I had never had flashbacks before. He started to get dizzy and nauseous after understanding he was not the only one who grew up with that kind of trauma. I started to then have dreams about him that felt very charged and a few times they reflected what was happening to him in real life. For example, his name flashed in my dream one morning with strong emotions that actually jarred me awake. I found out later that his beloved aunt died that morning. I started to feel more and more connected with him, but he is friendly yet distant. I have to do initiate contact 95% of the time and he cancels on our meetings about half the time. In frustration, I’ve stopped reaching out, but it’s very painful, makes me feel sick in fact. Since stopping contact all my emotionally charged dreams have just stopped which is interesting. How can something be so profound, yet be so one sided? Is this a soul mate connection or just some unhealthy trauma based friendship?

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